The Tortoise and the Hare

At the beginning of my journey I knew I would be the tortoise, at least for a while. Justin's accident was such an unexpected shock and came at a point in his life when everything was coming together for him. I went from happiness to despair in seconds. 
But after the funeral with a lot of help from my husband, my rock, and some family members I was able to start the healing process. This was a hare period. Then came a second trip to Phoenix to take care of Justin's affairs. It was a major setback. It was a tortoise period; a long one. 
Then came the Celebration of Life in August in Omaha organized by Justin's friends and extended family. I thank them with all my heart, yet it was another big setback. It felt like another funeral. I continued in the tortoise shell.
Early September was easier with Kaden's visit. (Maggie's son.) I went back to a hare until the Medical Examiner's report arrived. I could have avoided that but I needed to know everything. I needed to know if he was otherwise healthy and he was, very much so. Then the Police Report arrived yesterday. 43 pages of detail that, again, I could have avoided but I had to know about the last minutes of my son's life. Today a phone call from the Prescott Valley Police Department asking me what personal effects I wanted mailed to me. The phone call affected me more than I thought it would. It set off a meltdown. But the cry was cathartic. I am dreading receiving the package but I want his watch, his phone, his wallet, even the the flip flop that fell off during his transport to the ambulance. I'm afraid I'll be in tortoise mode for a while yet. I guess that's to be expected since it's only been 4 months. 
I have my compassionate husband to lean on and my Compassionate Friends who acknowledge understanding with just a look. 
I know that when all the business is finally transacted and things settle down once again I will become the hare. 

If you've been reading my posts you know that my life is pretty much an open book. If it helps just one person then I don't mind opening up. But lately I've been stuck, mired in grief, a dose of self pity and worry about my 4 year old grandson. 

I'm borrowing trouble because my grandson is doing fine for now. But as is my nature I think ahead and wonder when or if it's going to dawn on him to feel guilty about pulling the trigger that took his Daddy from us. He does know he did it. What effect might it have on him if it does happen?

His mother has done an outstanding job with him, from birth to present. He's mostly happy and completely well adjusted. He's the most loving little boy I've ever known, including his dad. I give that credit to his mother. He is following her example. She has a very sunny outlook on life even though she is devastated by the loss of Justin; the love of her life. But she continues to be warm, caring and generous. She loves unconditionally and is always there for whomever needs her. Her little boy needs her love as do I.  Because of the way she's navigated the past 4 months, exactly, he may come through this unscathed with the exception of missing his Daddy. 

I have no real friends here in Tampa.  But having my grandson's mother fills that void. Our loss and our worries are mutual.  Keep on being you, Jessica. I love you too.