At the beginning of my journey I knew I would be the tortoise, at least for a while. Justin's accident was such an unexpected shock and came at a point in his life when everything was coming together for him. I went from happiness to despair in seconds.
But after the funeral with a lot of help from my husband, my rock, and some family members I was able to start the healing process. This was a hare period. Then came a second trip to Phoenix to take care of Justin's affairs. It was a major setback. It was a tortoise period; a long one.
Then came the Celebration of Life in August in Omaha organized by Justin's friends and extended family. I thank them with all my heart, yet it was another big setback. It felt like another funeral. I continued in the tortoise shell.
Early September was easier with Kaden's visit. (Maggie's son.) I went back to a hare until the Medical Examiner's report arrived. I could have avoided that but I needed to know everything. I needed to know if he was otherwise healthy and he was, very much so. Then the Police Report arrived yesterday. 43 pages of detail that, again, I could have avoided but I had to know about the last minutes of my son's life. Today a phone call from the Prescott Valley Police Department asking me what personal effects I wanted mailed to me. The phone call affected me more than I thought it would. It set off a meltdown. But the cry was cathartic. I am dreading receiving the package but I want his watch, his phone, his wallet, even the the flip flop that fell off during his transport to the ambulance. I'm afraid I'll be in tortoise mode for a while yet. I guess that's to be expected since it's only been 4 months.
I have my compassionate husband to lean on and my Compassionate Friends who acknowledge understanding with just a look.
I know that when all the business is finally transacted and things settle down once again I will become the hare.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
If you've been reading my posts you know that my life is pretty much an open book. If it helps just one person then I don't mind opening up. But lately I've been stuck, mired in grief, a dose of self pity and worry about my 4 year old grandson.
I'm borrowing trouble because my grandson is doing fine for now. But as is my nature I think ahead and wonder when or if it's going to dawn on him to feel guilty about pulling the trigger that took his Daddy from us. He does know he did it. What effect might it have on him if it does happen?
His mother has done an outstanding job with him, from birth to present. He's mostly happy and completely well adjusted. He's the most loving little boy I've ever known, including his dad. I give that credit to his mother. He is following her example. She has a very sunny outlook on life even though she is devastated by the loss of Justin; the love of her life. But she continues to be warm, caring and generous. She loves unconditionally and is always there for whomever needs her. Her little boy needs her love as do I. Because of the way she's navigated the past 4 months, exactly, he may come through this unscathed with the exception of missing his Daddy.
I have no real friends here in Tampa. But having my grandson's mother fills that void. Our loss and our worries are mutual. Keep on being you, Jessica. I love you too.
I'm borrowing trouble because my grandson is doing fine for now. But as is my nature I think ahead and wonder when or if it's going to dawn on him to feel guilty about pulling the trigger that took his Daddy from us. He does know he did it. What effect might it have on him if it does happen?
His mother has done an outstanding job with him, from birth to present. He's mostly happy and completely well adjusted. He's the most loving little boy I've ever known, including his dad. I give that credit to his mother. He is following her example. She has a very sunny outlook on life even though she is devastated by the loss of Justin; the love of her life. But she continues to be warm, caring and generous. She loves unconditionally and is always there for whomever needs her. Her little boy needs her love as do I. Because of the way she's navigated the past 4 months, exactly, he may come through this unscathed with the exception of missing his Daddy.
I have no real friends here in Tampa. But having my grandson's mother fills that void. Our loss and our worries are mutual. Keep on being you, Jessica. I love you too.
Monday, September 16, 2013
In This Special Moment in Life
While in Omaha at Justin's Celebration of Life, a good friend of the family, also a mother who lost her baby at 10 months of age from a rare condition, approached me. After two years her burden is still heavy. I said what I could to reassure her that it will lessen over time. We chatted through tears feeling one another's pain. She said she had a dream that Justin had her son and that the baby was playing. I was delighted to hear this because, you see, her baby never made it out of the hospital. His whole life was surgery after surgery. She is a brave young woman. Her baby's death occurred while her husband was deployed. The saving grace was her wonderfully loving family. I asked if I could share the words in the funeral card. I think they are essential to life. Thank you Jenny and Blake.
In This Special Moment in Life
Think freely. Practice patience.
Smile often. Savor special moments.
Make new friends. Rediscover old ones.
Tell those you love that you do. Feel deeply.
Forget trouble.
Forgive an enemy. Hope. Grow.
Be crazy. Count your blessings.
Observe miracles. Let them happen.
Discard worry. Give. Give in. Trust enough to take.
Pick some flowers. Share them.
Keep a promise. Look for rainbows.
Gaze at stars. See beauty everywhere.
Work hard. Be wise. Try to understand.
Take time for people. Make time for yourself.
Laugh heartily. Spread joy. Take a chance. Reach out.
Let someone in. Try something new.
Slow down. Be soft sometimes.
Believe in yourself. Trust others.
See a sunrise. Listen to rain.
Reminisce. Cry when you need to.
Trust life. Have faith. Enjoy wonder.
Comfort a friend. Have good ideas.
Make some mistakes. Learn from them. Celebrate life.
Monday, August 19, 2013
No, I haven't abandoned my blog. I was stuck for a few days unable to bring myself to write. In retrospect I think it was avoiding having to feel. It's painful and I just didn't want to go there.
I spent a couple of days preparing for my trip to Omaha. I arrived Friday and have settled in for my visit.
I don't know if I mentioned this in a prior post but friends and classmates of Justin have scheduled a Celebration of Life and a birthday party in this city where he was raised. It will take place on August 31st, a day after what would have been his 35th birthday.
I am so touched and honored by the number of people putting this together and am so appreciative of the hard work and am warmed by their drive and dedication to honor and remember my son. In addition they are going above and beyond my expectations by raising funds for Justin's two young sons. The community support has been incredible. Their donations continue to come in.
My son would not have ever anticipated any of this and would have been very humbled by it. But he would have been so very grateful by the generosity of so many.
It has driven home again how many lives he touched and made better by his calm manner, vivid sense of humor and intrinsic love of his fellow man. I love the man you turned out to be, Son and I will be forever grateful to those who are making this event come to fruition.
I spent a couple of days preparing for my trip to Omaha. I arrived Friday and have settled in for my visit.
I don't know if I mentioned this in a prior post but friends and classmates of Justin have scheduled a Celebration of Life and a birthday party in this city where he was raised. It will take place on August 31st, a day after what would have been his 35th birthday.
I am so touched and honored by the number of people putting this together and am so appreciative of the hard work and am warmed by their drive and dedication to honor and remember my son. In addition they are going above and beyond my expectations by raising funds for Justin's two young sons. The community support has been incredible. Their donations continue to come in.
My son would not have ever anticipated any of this and would have been very humbled by it. But he would have been so very grateful by the generosity of so many.
It has driven home again how many lives he touched and made better by his calm manner, vivid sense of humor and intrinsic love of his fellow man. I love the man you turned out to be, Son and I will be forever grateful to those who are making this event come to fruition.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Diaper Box Derby
I've taken the past couple of days to recoup from an emotional roller coaster ride. I feel relatively calm today and have a story to share with you.
As I mentioned before Justin was the oldest, followed by Brandon, then Maggie; all two and a half years apart.
One cold winter morning I was working in the kitchen listening to the kids play in the living room happy that they were entertaining each other with a very large diaper box.
Maggie was between 1-2, Brandon 3-4 and Justin 5-6.
I was at the kitchen sink which was situated a few steps from the stairway that led to the basement.
Before I knew it the boys had Maggie in the diaper box, which looked remarkably like a soap box derby car. The next thing I remember the boys were at the top of the stairs ready to give Maggie a ride down the staircase. In a panic I ran, seemingly in slow motion, to the top of the stairs to stop them but it was too late. They had just given her the needed acceleration for her trip down the steps.
The boys were laughing and Maggie was squealing with delight as she traveled down the stairs in her makeshift car.
There was just one problem; the sudden stop at the bottom. It was quite a jolt and Maggie's squeals of delight turned into tears of fright. The boys were suddenly silent.
The saving grace in this situation was the square of carpeting on which Maggie landed, cushioning her fall.
The diaper box held up remarkably well until I destroyed it after consoling Maggie and swatting the boys' hind ends with the infamous wooden spoon then sending them to their rooms.
Looking back it was a little humorous but still frightening.
I was so close to them but, darn, those little ones are fast!
Another crisis diverted and another memory under the belt.
As I mentioned before Justin was the oldest, followed by Brandon, then Maggie; all two and a half years apart.
One cold winter morning I was working in the kitchen listening to the kids play in the living room happy that they were entertaining each other with a very large diaper box.
Maggie was between 1-2, Brandon 3-4 and Justin 5-6.
I was at the kitchen sink which was situated a few steps from the stairway that led to the basement.
Before I knew it the boys had Maggie in the diaper box, which looked remarkably like a soap box derby car. The next thing I remember the boys were at the top of the stairs ready to give Maggie a ride down the staircase. In a panic I ran, seemingly in slow motion, to the top of the stairs to stop them but it was too late. They had just given her the needed acceleration for her trip down the steps.
The boys were laughing and Maggie was squealing with delight as she traveled down the stairs in her makeshift car.
There was just one problem; the sudden stop at the bottom. It was quite a jolt and Maggie's squeals of delight turned into tears of fright. The boys were suddenly silent.
The saving grace in this situation was the square of carpeting on which Maggie landed, cushioning her fall.
The diaper box held up remarkably well until I destroyed it after consoling Maggie and swatting the boys' hind ends with the infamous wooden spoon then sending them to their rooms.
Looking back it was a little humorous but still frightening.
I was so close to them but, darn, those little ones are fast!
Another crisis diverted and another memory under the belt.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Time
I'm feeling a bit stuck today. It's difficult to get interested in anything, even my writing.
It's Justin's birth month and the memories from 35 years ago are flooding back. I'll spare you the details of that last month and simply post something a sympathetic friend sent me.
It's Justin's birth month and the memories from 35 years ago are flooding back. I'll spare you the details of that last month and simply post something a sympathetic friend sent me.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Tribute to Justin Thomas
For the past week I have kept things light telling you stories from the childhood years. I hope you've enjoyed those because there will be more.
Last night my husband, Don, presented me with this beautiful audio/video mix. It isn't intended to bring anyone down. It is of a bond between mother and son, but if you are a sensitive soul you may want to have a tissue handy.
I urge you to sit back, relax and reflect on my son's wonderful life.
Thank you for being loyal readers.
Justin Thomas Tribute
Last night my husband, Don, presented me with this beautiful audio/video mix. It isn't intended to bring anyone down. It is of a bond between mother and son, but if you are a sensitive soul you may want to have a tissue handy.
I urge you to sit back, relax and reflect on my son's wonderful life.
Thank you for being loyal readers.
Justin Thomas Tribute
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